Sheree 0:00
Welcome back to the wild and wild collective Podcast. Today we're diving into a conversation that is actually being had more and more behind the scenes, which I am loving. I was actually just telling Christa I was going for a walk with a couple friends, and this conversation around looking back at our childhood, looking at the and I don't like to use the word trauma in the sense like, that's a big T trauma. It's something that was like massive but all of us have been exposed to some kind of trauma, some kind of conditioning, some kind of belief system and belief set in our growing up. It's how we shape our beliefs. It's how we show up in the world, based off what happens in your childhood based off what you know is going to happen to when you've got children if you choose to have them. And I was talking both of the women I was discussing this with were both moms and that. And there's even this fear from parents of like, oh my goodness, now that we've got this awareness of what we say and what we do and how much that impacts our kids, Am I doing the right things? Am I saying the right things? And so I'm excited for our conversation today, because we can look at it from both aspects. You know, what is conditioning? Where did it come from? What are these belief sets? And also, I don't have children, but Krista can speak to this, like how we can navigate the parenting side of things as well. Again, neither of us are therapists or counselors, but both of us are certified life coaches. We have a lot of training in this space. We understand how to work with thoughts, feelings, emotions, beliefs from a somatic, unconscious mindset, emotional and behavioral perspective, and so I'm really excited to dive in. Yeah,
Christa 1:36
I think this whole conversation is something that is new to many people. It's new to me again, you know, we've had conversations in the past, some past episodes, about not being fully aware of our inner worlds and kind of living a life seeking external validation, or seeking entertainment all the time, or always needing to be busy, or always needing a task and not really diving inward, I'm kind of one of those that's like nothing happened to me in childhood, like I think it's fine, like everything was great. And it wasn't until I kind of dove a little bit deeper into curiosity of why I am the way that I am that I realized some things did impact me. And I I've had these openly, these conversations openly with my parents as well. And you know, my mom will kind of go on the defensive. Oh, I mean, we I didn't mean to make you feel this way, or I never knew that you felt that way. And I think the important thing to recognize, even, you know, coming from me as a parent, we do the best that we know how, and unfortunately, some people are raised in environments where their parents are very unconscious to what they're doing. Maybe they just don't have any regard for their children. They're in a very selfish mode. Thankfully, I was not raised in that kind of an environment, and I don't think I've created that for my children. However children perceive the way they're going to perceive. So there's no right or wrong answer to some of these things. And I think that even if you had, let's say, on the outside, a perfect parent, or you were doing the best that you could, and you're trying to be as conscious about every little thing, you can't control how you perceive things as a child, or as your how your your own children perceive their environment and something that I wasn't aware of. And I think before this call, we were talking about how a lot of people aren't aware that before age seven, like zero to seven were very malleable, like we don't really have that's why younger children believe in Santa Claus, right? We just take everything for facts. We're like, oh, okay, that's what it is. And so we create these beliefs around what we're told or what we experience, and we're like, that's just the way of the world. That is the truth. Because we don't have the mind capability to be able to say, I wonder if that's really true. Typically, young children, before age seven, three or four year olds, they just are like, Oh, okay, that's the truth, right? And so depending on how your brain perceived a certain thing can kind of shape that. And that's no one's fault necessarily, especially when everyone around you is doing the best that they can. I just wanted to kind of start the conversation with that being but, yeah, it is interesting to look back on my own life and saying, oh, that's the decision that I made about life. That's the decision I made about being emotionally vulnerable. I made that decision seeing, you know, let's say my mom crying. I made a decision I don't ever want to be because I felt uncomfortable in this particular situation I'm referring to. I felt uncomfortable, I felt unsafe because my mom was going through it, and therefore I made the decision that emotions should not be shown like that, like I needed to be unemotional, especially in public, around people. And so that was just a decision my child versions brain made about that, and that took a little bit of teasing out. And there's actually a lot of freedom in showing your emotions, right? That's one of my examples. I
Sheree 4:58
love that. I love you bring up. Perception, because I think this is where a lot of us can be judging ourselves as going into parenthood or as a parent, or even when we're trying to understand where these stories came from. It's not that was the truth at the time. And so to give an example of this that I've heard a number of times, and it really helps, I find clients click and myself even click. It's you think about a little child, and they're wanting their mommy's attention, and so they're like, going up and she's on the phone and she's in the middle of a conversation. Now, as an adult, we know we're on the phone, we're busy. That doesn't mean we don't love our child, right? But the child's coming up and going, mommy, mommy, mommy, and she's got and then the mom turned goes, not right now, sweetie, and she could say it in the kindest tone. She could say it in the most beautiful, loving tone, but the child could still perceive that as mum is too busy for me, and it might be that your mum is someone that spends quite a bit of time on the phone with her friends, or maybe she's at work or whatever. But something that simple can still shape. It depends how you perceive it as a child, the way you think about whether your parents had time for you, whether they were available emotionally. And that's such a small example. But when we have one piece of evidence, we then will start to look for that's what the brain does other pieces of evidence, and it starts to compile the story, or it starts to compile this belief, you know. And like you said, our conditioning, our behaviors, our beliefs, are actually all formulated in the first seven years of our lives. And I love the saying. It's like we spend the first seven years creating our belief sets and patterns, and we spend the rest of our lives undoing the ones that don't serve us. And one of the things I was listening to a book the other day, and he was talking about the idea that our parents obviously are typically the biggest models, or our caregivers are our models. And we they role model behavior to us, and they give us this gift or a gap. And so when we think and we take this concept, which is from Jay Shetty of is there a gift, right, like my mom gave me such unconditional love. She was constantly there for me. She was always there. She attended all the assembly, she came on all the school trips. She did everything, right. However, there's this almost like super mothering side, where the gap was okay. Like, how do I be on my own? How do I not have that codependency? How do I look to like I looked then in my relationships that I chose moving forward because I had an absent father, right? That's another gap for me. How are they like? How am I choosing these relationships, these friendships? How am I letting people walk? How am I being codependent in these relationships, and then having to do the work to get out of that state of codependency? And so it's understanding that we either choose to take after ourselves, and I know that I give unconditional love like so willingly, but I also had to do the inner work because the gap was I was quite a codependent human being. Yeah,
Christa 7:59
I love the that the gift or the gap, because you can offer both as a parent, and I think we're also blaming, not blaming, but we're bringing up parents in our living environment, but going to school and who you're surrounded with, students your peers also impact and shape your beliefs about whether you belong, whether you perceive yourself as good enough, whether if you're one that compares whether or not you have had enough money or you wore the right things and all of that, your environment as a whole can really shape you, whether that's your parents, your siblings, even if you were raised with a sibling that was very violent or a sibling that always put you down, versus a parent, a sibling that would really took you under their wing or really bonded with you. I mean, all of those things play a role, and a lot of it is out of our control, and I think that acknowledging those things for me, yeah, it was always a loving home. Oh, you know, I always felt supported. But I think being the firstborn, naturally, I had this conversation with my firstborn, because he said something to me that really stood out. He said, I feel like I'm really letting you and dad down a lot lately, because he had some things happen and then his grades. And I looked at him and I said, Listen, I can relate to what you're saying, because I really found value in showing up big getting the best grades. And that was, No, it wasn't like my parents were telling me to do it. It's just that I learned that when I brought home the good grades early on, when I achieved something, they were like, over the moon proud, because I was their first kid, you know. And it wasn't even anything negative, it was actually positive. But I grabbed a hold of that as that's how I'm good enough. That was the best decision I made within me as a child. That's how I get my value, by achieving, by being the best something. And so that has been something that I've had to kind of unwind a little bit, that I don't always have to be the best at everything, or I don't always have to be achieving. To be good enough because I'm an eight I'm innately, inherently worth everything that anybody else is. That was just a belief that I made. And so when I heard my oldest say those words, I shared that with him, and I said, I get what you're I get where you're coming from. And I want you to know that I may not even be able to unwind this at this point you're 17, but know that you don't have to achieve to be okay. You don't have to make the best grade. So it's not even it's just some of those wonderful praise things that we then make a decision that can impact us in a way that's not necessarily serving us for a lifetime, right? It served us in a moment, but our parents loved us either way. We just, we made a decision. That's why they loved us. Yeah,
Sheree 10:44
I love that you shared that, because it really shows again, coming back to that idea of perception, right? You perceive that was a way to get love, that was a way to get praise, that was a way to get it, and it's so innocent, and I think that's the thing we want to come back to and really drive home. There's no wrong here. What we're doing is just putting on our curious hat. We're going, Okay, where did that belief come from? Okay, look at that beautiful, little five year old self that came home with these good grades. And mom was like, Mom and Dad were like, wow, we're so proud of you. And it's like, oh, I'm going to take that and I'm going to run with it. It's not a bad thing, right? And it's just this perception. That's what the positive side was, just like if you get in trouble for something, you have that perception, and that's something that may create a negative belief. But I think it's really important here to understand, again, if we think of it from a parenting perspective, your parents did nothing wrong in doing that, you've done nothing wrong as a parent doing that with your child. Either it's just how the child perceives, or how we perceived in the moment. And when we're looking at healing this, when we're looking at our conditioning and looking at our belief system and belief set, being willing to look at the stories and being willing to even view them as stories. And I don't mean like, Oh, you made up a story in your head as a negative thing, because I think we can also hear those words and go, What? But okay, if I'm an observer in this situation, if I take a step back, I can see how from this perspective, this was my perspective, and that was the story that was created, that was my narrative. But if I'm willing to look at it from the other side, I can also see how this may not have served me, or this may have served me right, depending what kind of belief you're challenging and being willing to try on, the idea that something may actually be opposite to the truth that you've carried around with you for the longest period of time. And then being doing, being able to do the work, to be willing to let it go if it's not serving you anymore, or somehow find a compromise like you say, there's this beautiful part. I know a lot of the people listening can probably really resonate with your story of being that high achiever. I know I was the same, like again being the oldest. You want those good grades. You see the recognition that served you, because you are thriving, right? You're thriving right now, but how it may potentially not, and I know for me, not showed up very well was because you then beat yourself up. You could you criticize yourself, you might come to your parents, you're like, I'm so sorry I've let you down, or you feel like you've let yourself down. There's this innate sense of failure, like or fear of failure, because it's like, I'm not where I should be, and I'm not enough unless I've achieved that.
Christa 13:23
Yeah, you create that kind of hungry, ghosting more, always wanting, wanting to achieve more, and it's just not a healthy pattern. I think one thing that I've learned, and I know ever you know, not everybody's a parent here, but one thing that I have focused on is praising my kids also, and writing things down for who they are innately, not necessarily what they've accomplished. Now, I can't help it. I get excited when they accomplish something, of course, but like one Valentine's Day, I gave each one of them a card, and I just told them all the reasons that I loved them, and it had nothing to do with achievements. It was more their character, who they are, like the positive sides of their being. And I think that, you know, I hope I have no idea, but I down the road, but I do hope that imparts a little bit like I see that this in you, my experience of you is this, and what positive aspects their personality comes out right and and I hope that sticks. I think that no matter what, no matter who you are, and in parenting, I think you know in terms of what we do as the adults in this situation now, it's do your own inner work, tease out your own belief system, because you will become a better boss. You will become a better partner. You will become a better parent, if that's the role that you're in when you do your own inner work and you start to just observe your tendencies, observe your thoughts and get really curious about this is a pattern. This makes me uncomfortable, like the self beat up talk. Let's say this is a pattern, and even now, it's not like it never. Happens with me anymore. I just am more aware of it. I'm more the observer of those thoughts. And I'm like, Huh, that's funny. There she is again, the one that's, you're not doing enough, you're not achieving enough. Other people do things better than you. Other people are farther along in life than you. And then I just look at it, and I know where she came from. I know that was just that's just that part of me, that ego, part of me, trying to keep me safe, because underneath all the layers, she's just trying to keep me loved, right? And then there's the other part of me that has done some of the work and innately knows I'm enough. Anyways, I could lay in a field and watch the bird spot go by, and I'm just as enough. I don't have to do all of the things. And somehow those two pieces of me meet in the middle, and we achieve with a bit more grace, with a bit more ease, with a little bit less stress and anxiety, right? Because I will never stop wanting to be better. I will never stop wanting to achieve certain things in my life, but I get to do so with a bit more grace and loving kindness to myself. But that's also just observing, where did that come from? And I know, and I know this just it was an innocent response, an innocent belief from my childhood. Really, I
Sheree 16:07
love that, and I think these conversations are so important to have, right? They appreciate you sharing vulnerably. And we get to look at ourselves with curiosity. We get to look at these perceptions. We get to look at these stories. And I hope this conversation has served our listeners in the sense that maybe that's just being curious the next time something pops up in their mind, one of the biggest things I want to drive home is that we're looking at this with no judgment. We're not judging ourselves for the stories or the perceptions that we've created, especially when you think about it, the fact that it was created before you were seven, like think of your little, beautiful little self as an innocent child. Like, we're not going to judge or be awful to a little someone younger than seven. I always think of myself as a five year old when I'm talking to that and a child, she's so sweet, there's nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with her, and I love her exactly how she is. And so if you notice these thoughts or feelings or emotions come up or this is triggered something where you're like, I'm actually, really wanting to look within or explore. Be kind to yourself like you say, bring that grace to it. Bring some compassion to it as well. And look with curiosity versus judgment. Yeah. One
Christa 17:14
quick thing that I would recommend is to get a picture of yourself younger than seven, where you can see your eyes, or you can see your whole face. And
Speaker 1 17:25
I'm showing, if you're watching the video, version of
Christa 17:28
me, and on my home desk, I also have a little version of me, and it's really important, I think, to look back and you'll find more that tenderness towards yourself when you look at your younger version of yourself and start to connect with that, because it's still you, it's you, it's just on a different time. And I think you can start to tap into if you're really like, How in the world do I even start with self love, or even start to explore where maybe some of these patterns that don't serve me anymore, where do they come from? Having a photo of yourself looking at your young version in the eyes, can really shift a lot for you, and it doesn't require words. It doesn't require a lot more explanation than that. Just start to really be tender towards that younger version of yourself. And I think you'll really work through some of the the negativity or some of the discomfort that you feel in your growth patterns or in your parenting, or just in your way of being and having more kindness towards yourself. I
Sheree 18:23
love that so sweet. Well, hope you guys got heaps out of that. If this is something that has triggered something in you and you're like, Okay, I need to do this work and I'm a little bit overwhelmed, please feel free to reach out to either of us, like we're happy to just have a conversation. We want you to feel supported in every way possible. Or, you know, look at doing some counseling or getting some extra support then and other aspects. But it's, it's a beautiful process. I know it can feel a little bit scary, but when we do start to create the level of self awareness around our beliefs and our stories, it's so freeing.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
